good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
