i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
