My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
