She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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