I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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