An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
