Betty ford says i'm here all night
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
