Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
