Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
