I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Still dying that you shit outside
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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