thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize