I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
