When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
