im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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