well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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