We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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