I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
