i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
