hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
