Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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