i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
