i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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