i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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