her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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