I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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