She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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