You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
