My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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