everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
