Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
