For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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