one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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