my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
