Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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