I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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