btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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