I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i think my tv is drunk
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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