he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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