Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
