I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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