Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
