I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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