why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
