dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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