lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
