Screwed.edu
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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