If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
