Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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