Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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