Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
