Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize