Jerry, you need to find god
no, he came in my armpit
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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