Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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