Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
