I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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